


Trail Of Kisses

by inner_tempest



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-04-26 09:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14399292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inner_tempest/pseuds/inner_tempest
Summary: KISSES!Just a little introspective two-part about kisses.  Stories, histories, thoughts, yearnings, etc.





	1. ADIL

**Author's Note:**

> So I wanted to play around with kisses in various ways. This is a two-part piece, starting with Adil and then Toby. Their structure mirrors each other, though it's unique in their own histories/stories and their POV in each section.
> 
> The Halcyon and the boys are not mine. I get nothing from this except for the pleasure of playing around with them.

It had been a long time that Adil had been watching Toby Hamilton. He wasn’t sure when it had started, or what the initial draw had been, just that he started, and now he wasn’t able to stop. There was just something about the man that made Adil’s eyes gravitate to him whenever he got the opportunity. And somehow, he always managed to _find_ the opportunity. It was wrong, Adil knew, in so many ways. Toby Hamilton was an aristocrat, indirectly Adil’s boss…

Another man.

Every bit of it was wrong, of course. Adil wasn’t an idiot, he knew that. But now that it had started, Adil had no idea how to stop it. The discrete looks across the bar…he had to make sure no one could have any idea. It wasn’t necessarily something that Adil could just explain away. But the barman was good at hiding it. He had been aware of his sexuality long enough to know how to be subtle. How to make his actions nonexistent to those who didn’t know. It had taken years of practice, but by now, Adil was a pro. Because of course, they lived in a society where such feelings were criminal. Adil could only imagine how bad and serious things would be if anyone caught on that he was staring at another man like that…especially since it was Toby Hamilton he was watching. If Toby Hamilton caught on himself.

Adil figured if that happened, he could hopefully manage a reference before being dismissed. It was the best case scenario. Because there were plenty of worse outcomes…he did try his hardest not to think about those.

But at the same time, Adil wondered if Toby felt it, too…felt… _something_ …reciprocated everything that went through Adil’s head every time he saw, or waited on, or generally chatted with the other man. He wondered if Toby felt that swooping awakening in his body. Felt _something_. There were…things. The catching of gazes. Toby’s fingers brushing over Adil’s as he passed over a glass.

But Adil knew he _had_ to be reading too much into things. This was Toby Hamilton. Toby Hamilton wasn’t like like that, the barman told himself…he _couldn’t_ be like that. On the other hand, Adil had gotten quite skilled at reading the signs. Any self-aware homosexual man in this world _had_ to be skilled at reading the signs. It was the only way any of them could get by.

But, signs or not, Adil still couldn’t help but watch Toby Hamilton…and it had reached that point where he wasn’t sure he wanted to stop…even if he thought he could. There was so much he wanted to learn about the other man…emotionally _and_ physically. He imagined how those full lips would feel against his. How smooth his skin was. _God_ how badly he wanted to _touch_. More than a brush of fingers.

And it was true that sometimes, Adil really did think Toby Hamilton was like him. The furtive glances (though, in all fairness, those could be in his yearning imagination), the way his fingers settled over Adil’s when the barman slid over a glass, the two just staring, unmoving until someone or something brought them back to reality. But even if Toby Hamilton _was_ like him, Adil knew nothing could ever happen. Toby was an important member of society. He had responsibilities as such. Adil was an Indian barman. Absolutely _nothing_ in the scheme of things. The class difference was more than enough on a good day, let alone mixing in homosexual feelings.

It seemed unfair in a way. Adil really _had_ gotten good at reading the signs, he really had. But Toby Hamilton was still a mystery to him. There were reasons for this, of course. Maybe the other man wasn’t aware of himself just yet. All the little things just subconscious or that sort of thing. There was the class issue, of course. Toby Hamilton couldn’t show these things in the ways Adil could. So maybe his fingers _did_ linger…or maybe they didn’t and Adil was just hopeful.

Adil knew he had to stop those thoughts.

But none of that could stop him from his secret glances, though.

The need to touch, to kiss was like an ache, and it got worse and worse with every passing day. Was it possible to fall in love when there wasn’t even a personal relationship to go off of? If it was, Adil was falling deeper and deeper every day, with no one to rescue him.

He tried to make the right actions, dropping small hints in his opinion, but there were definitely failures. In all fairness, it was only to be expected, still not knowing what went on in Toby Hamilton’s brain. Adil had to credit that the coffee incident had been a _major_ mistake. The move had been too bold…but that didn’t stop him from being slightly devastated when Toby Hamilton addressed it. At least the aristocrat didn’t hang around to see the look on Adil’s face.

It should have been proof that Adil needed to stop. All the mixed signals from Toby Hamilton weren’t going to amount to anything. Because in the end…there was just too much in the way. Adil would just have to _imagine_ the feel of Toby Hamilton’s lips until the end of time.

***

Adil’s first kiss was with Dipali Patel when they were sixteen, hiding in the alley behind their apartment building. Their families were close- Indian immigrants in England, and both families expected Adil and Dipali to get together and end up married with lots of children. And while Adil couldn’t force out any romantic feelings for Dipali, he knew the girl was very much in love with him.

At that age, he had no word to put to why he couldn’t feel that way, like he should have. Dipali was pretty, and had plenty of boys who chased after her. But she loved Adil. To Adil, she was just a friend.

But he kissed her anyway, because he was _supposed_ to…and that was the moment he knew something was wrong with him…that it wasn’t just a lack of romantic feelings for Dipali, and some other girl would come along to capture his heart. Dipali was too _soft_ , too… _feminine_. She smelled like flowers. Her long hair tickled Adil in a way he should have found enticing. Every bit of her should have intoxicated Adil, but even as he kissed Dipali’s too soft lips, his mind drifted to her older brother Dhaval.

Dhaval was eighteen, and achingly stunning. He normally sported a bit of scruff, enough to look roguishly handsome and not careless, and more than anything, Adil wanted to feel that against his face.

Adil tried to feel _something_ with Dipali, he really did. Because he knew he was _supposed_ to. But the girl was sharp as a tack and knew she had nothing to offer him as soon as they pulled away. Without even realizing, Adil hadn’t even been kissing her back. She had noticed right away.

“Please don’t…tell…” Adil was shaking as he begged Dipali, hoping she wouldn’t let go of any scraps of friendship and hold this secret for Adil. He may have ruined their friendship, but now the boy realized there was a lot more at stake. And they both knew what he meant by his pleas. The two had known each other for ages…even if there could never be romance, Adil prayed Dipali would keep the secret she had come to discover. Because she had definitely figured it out. Something Adil couldn’t even properly explain, but they both knew what hung in the air.

The look on Dipali’s face pained Adil…it hurt a lot knowing his long time friend was crushed. After a minute, she nodded. “I won’t tell,” she finally said softly. “But-”

“I’m so sorry, Dipali.”

Adil had never felt so helpless…so hopeless. Having feelings like this were dangerous, and he _knew_ that. He knew the word…the word he could put to _what_ he was. And after kissing Dipali, Adil vowed to never let those feelings out. He would hold them inside for the rest of time…he couldn’t be one of _those_ men. He would _never_ be one of _those_ men. Maybe he would even grow out of it. Was that something that could happen in these situations?

But two days later, Adil found himself facing Dhaval in the same alley where he and Dipali had kissed, the older boy caressing his face before kissing him deeply.

Adil like the feel of Dhaval’s hands and face a little too much. His hands framing Adil’s face…a musky scent of sandalwood and something else surrounding him.

It was criminal.

It was _right_.

Dhaval and Adil kissed a lot in secret, Dipali often covering for them when a parent or sibling got too close to figuring out their secret. They even moved on from kissing…Dhaval showed Adil the secrets of discovering someone else’s body. He showed him how to find another’s weak spots…how to exploit them. They were quiet about their relationship, or whatever label could have been stuck onto what they had. They had to be, of course. But in the end, Adil realized that he meant nothing to Dhaval…just a willing body. He ended it abruptly when he moved to London.

London had a lot more opportunities for a gay man. Adil learned where to go for the physical release. There were some kisses, but for the most part, they were few and far between. He longed for the days of a simple kiss that could make his stomach do flip-flops. But no one he secretly met with brought out those feelings. Even if they did…how could a couple like that even function? Adil lived with his actions and faux intimacy, because it was all he had.

And he figured it was all he ever would.

***

Toby Hamilton made his stomach do flip-flops just by sitting there, reading at the bar. Adil wanted to kiss him. To bring that feeling back into his life. Because, despite everything, he was more and more sure that Toby Hamilton was like him. Like _that_.

Adil also had to remind himself that he didn’t stand a chance with the other man. That “sort of man” or not, Toby was still aristocracy. Adil was still the lowly immigrant barman. But he still dreamed of kissing Toby Hamilton. As hard as he tried, though in all fairness it wasn’t that hard, he couldn’t shake those feelings.

Adil had come to accept the fact that he’d never even get a chance. He hadn’t anticipated a situation where he would. But when Toby hid with him in the wine cellar, Adil couldn’t help himself. Being in such close proximity made the barman lose all inhibitions, everything he had built up for himself over time. Toby was pressed against him, his hand clamped over his mouth. And when he pulled back, a look of pure glee and mischief on his face, Adil just couldn’t help himself.

Toby was taller than Adil, and the man had to stretch on his toes ever so slightly to kiss him. Toby’s lips were slightly chapped and warm…he tasted like cigarettes and nutmeg and the alcohol he had been drinking all night. Adil’s eyes closed on instinct as he let himself relish the moment, a moment he shouldn’t even have, but one he was never going to forget as long as he lived.

It was just a second before Toby pulled away, looking slightly panicked. His eyes searched Adil’s in shock and confusion. But he didn’t hit Adil…he didn’t push him away, or get violent in any way. He didn’t do anything that the barman assumed he _should_ have done if the kiss was _that_ unwelcome.

He just ran.

And Adil figured that was only fair, really. No matter how much he hated that he had lost his composure and done something so impulsive, hated _himself_ for it, he was pretty sure Toby had leaned into the kiss ever so slightly.

Adil dreaded going back upstairs after pulling such a stunt, knowing that the real world was going to crash down on him in no time…but he also knew he had to. Had to face it, and the consequences for his actions. Tomorrow, maybe, he’d be called into Mr. Garland’s office and told he had to give his notice. _No, I don’t know why Mr. Joshi…but Mr. Hamilton…_

Until then, Adil had to pour champagne and smile at the terrible rich people that seemed to come in droves to the Halcyon. He couldn’t help glancing at Toby from time to time, though, the memory of the kiss still whispering on his lips. Out of the corner of his eye, Adil saw Toby turn down a dance with that dreadful girl who had been chasing him. They timidly made eye contact. He could almost hear Toby saying _look at this_.

So maybe it wasn’t as bad as he thought.

Kissing Toby was different from any other kiss Adil had had. It brought that feeling back…the feeling he had been missing for years…and some sort of… _hope_. Toby Hamilton had kissed him back, even if it was only very slightly. Adil was sure of that. And if he could just get another chance…

Adil would trade a million fumbled sexual encounters just to kiss Toby again. The longing from all this time had peaked. Toby Hamilton’s lips were just like Adil imagined they would be. His smell, the taste, the warmth. It haunted the man as he finished his shift, walking home in a daze. He tossed and turned that night, torn between fear of losing everything for kissing _Toby Hamilton_ and the hope that…maybe he had gotten the other man right all along.

***

It was with great trepidation that Adil knocked on Toby’s door the day after their kiss in the wine cellar. Despite all his hopeful thoughts the night before, his current terror was thick enough it could be cut with a knife…this could go so many ways. Adil was trying not to think about the more negative ones, though those were probably the more likely cases.

Maybe, if he was told he had to resign, Adil could at least manage a reference.

But the kiss was still on his lips. Not just his lips…it had settled into his heart. It was a pulsing light in his whole being…it was everything Adil had ever wanted. He had kissed plenty of men, but Toby… _God_ , he could kiss those lips forever. It had kept him up all night. Everything he wanted…and everything he could never have.

Adil couldn’t help fixing his gaze on Toby as he offered his resignation, trying to be brave and hide his terror. With a shaky breath, his gaze turned down. He prayed the aristocrat would let him down easy…he wouldn’t shame Adil…report him to the police for unnatural acts…hit him…there was _so_ much that the barman feared. But watching Toby struggle with his tie…all the worst case scenarios started to fade.

“But I’ve never made sense…until yesterday.”

Adil looked up hopefully. He simply couldn’t help himself. Toby turned and gave a helpless shrug, his tie obviously knotted with unsteady hands. Toby could often look a bit scruffy, but there was something more behind his actions. _This is me_ , Adil read from it. _Take me as I am_. Adil slowly came in close to the other man, fixing the poorly knotted tie.

“Hello…Toby.”

And then…Toby was kissing _Adil_. Every negative scenario flew from the man’s thoughts. Because Toby was _kissing_ him, a kiss filled with emotions…and he was warm, and he tasted like cigarettes and nutmeg…and when he ran his tongue along Adil’s bottom lip, the barman was more than willing to part his lips and let Toby’s tongue in. It was so natural, he didn’t even have to think about it. It just _happened_.

Kissing Toby Hamilton was different from everyone Adil had ever kissed. He was eager and passionate, and Adil could tell he was completely inexperienced…not that that mattered, because every dream Adil had ever had was coming true. All the time he had spent _imagining_ what it would be like to kiss Toby Hamilton could never compare to actually doing so.

Toby’s lips were impossibly warm and inviting. He kissed Adil like he needed his kisses more than air. There was so much promise in Toby’s lips…in his kisses. 

And when he finally pulled back, Toby’s gaze didn’t waver from Adil’s face.

“I have to…” Toby looked into Adil’s eyes almost sadly. As if pulling back was the last thing he wanted to do. “Er…work. But…”

“May I come back after my shift?” it was a bold question, but Adil was already feeling brave. He wasn’t afraid anymore.

Adil’s stomach did flip-flops at the eager look on Toby’s face. The flip-flops he had been yearning for for so long. “Yes…please.”

Because, although Adil knew that this would never work in the long term, Toby wanted to kiss him more. And inevitable heartbreak or not, there was no way Adil would ever be able to say “no” to Toby Hamilton.

***

Adil got to kiss Toby a lot now.

Who would have thought that everything Adil fantasized about would become a reality? Certainly not Adil himself. And that was saying something with all the fantasizing he had done. But his risk in kissing Toby Hamilton had paid off…Toby was _his_ , and he was Toby’s. Whatever they were, if there was a word for it at all, it was like nothing the man had ever had before, and despite some…slight complications, Adil loved it.

The necessary secrecy grated on Adil at times, not that he would ever admit to that. He was supposed to be the logical one. Toby was all craze and emotions, whereas Adil kept his head. But even when the secrecy got to him, Toby always kissed it better. Adil didn’t know if the other man realized it or not, but Toby’s kisses soothed more than words ever could. Adil found everything he had ever wanted in those lips. Warmth and safety and passion and so many other things that Adil didn’t have words for. Toby and his lips fit together, like they were _made_ just to kiss each other.

Kissing Toby was something sacred.

They found time… _ways_ to kiss. Secretly in Toby’s room. Occasionally Toby would visit Adil’s flat. Even some risky moments in the wine cellar. But that didn't mean Adil didn’t wish for _more_. As if they could even have more in this world. But there are nights where Toby sits at the bar, discretely eyeing Adil, giving sly half-smiles. And the barman just wants to grab him across the bar and kiss him senseless. To show the world that Toby Hamilton is _his_. That _Adil_ is the lucky one who gets to kiss Toby Hamilton.

But then Adil sneaks up to Toby’s room after his shift and kisses that sly half-smile right off his face.

Toby’s initial, inexperienced shy kisses get more bold over time…and Adil loves it. He loves the _journey_ that they’ve been on. That they continue on. Their relationship grows, they get more and more physical…but their kisses are what Adil holds on to the most. Sweet kisses. Passionate kisses. Chaste kisses. Hungry kisses. They run the gambit.

Every kiss Adil has ever shared with someone has just led him to this beautiful secret he shares with Toby Hamilton. And Adil just _knows_ that he’ll never want to kiss anyone else. He knows this is where the trail of kisses ends.


	2. TOBY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toby's part of the kisses piece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope Toby's perspective turns out just as good as Adil's seemed to! I'm trying to figure out if I enjoyed writing one over the other or not.
> 
> The Halcyon and boys are still not mine. Sadface.

Mr. Adil Joshi was the most beautiful man Toby had ever laid eyes on.

He was well aware of the fact that he shouldn’t think that. Adil Joshi was an Indian barman in his family’s hotel. A _male_ Indian barman. And Toby knew how wrong it all was. Wrong color. Wrong class. Wrong gender. Wrong. It was all completely _wrong_.

But Toby couldn’t help himself. Because Adil Joshi was gorgeous. And he couldn’t help but stare sometimes. The barman was skilled and graceful. The way he moved…always somehow choreographed with the music. Toby wondered what his arms were like under that jacket. What his bronzed skin would look like against Toby’s pale tones. What those long, deft fingers would feel like against his cheeks. His chest. His lips.

Criminal feelings.

But Toby couldn’t help it.

Adil couldn’t be like that, Toby was sure of it. Sometimes it was fun to imagine, like a brush of fingers over a glass or a timid look, but Toby knew better. These things were all in his head. Barmen were supposed to be friendly and secretive and give smiles and…well, maybe the knowing glances Adil gave were _something_ , but definitely not enough for Toby to _really_ go off of. Especially in this world. He would never be able to explore beyond that. No matter how much he _wanted_ to.

But all that wasn’t going to stop Toby from secretly looking. He was discreet about it, at least he thought he was. Hoped he was. Was pretty sure he was. The fact that no one had said anything about it had to count for something. So he assumed no one knew. And he assumed no one ever would. It was easy enough to hide behind a book, and Toby was very good at just that. Toby wasn’t _hurting_ anyone. Well, aside from himself, he supposed- wanting someone he could never have.

And even as a homosexual, Toby knew nothing about it all. There were all the things he knew should come along with it…reading signs, seeing it in others…knowing safe places or even how to conduct a secret liaison…because he had spent too long repressing those feelings. That…knowledge of who he was. It was easier to just…pretend it wasn’t there. Just push it all down until he forgot it was there at all.

It terrified Toby that he would throw all of that away for the chance to feel Adil Joshi’s lips against his own.

He dreamed about it. It haunted him. So Toby did the only thing he knew what to do with all of this. He repressed it. At this point, it was quite a skill he had perfected. For the most part, anyway. Because what he didn’t _really_ realize was that, in allowing those secret sidelong glances, all those feelings and secret desires and everything were slowly bobbing to the surface. Toby was allowing himself to be driven crazy by Adil Joshi, even though he was fighting for just the opposite. There was really no saving himself. The thoughts drifted to the front of his mind at times. Quiet moments, alone in his room, safe from the outside world. Safe from Adil Joshi behind the bar, their fingers brushing over a glass or a quick catch of the eyes.

And yet, he was never safe from it. Even alone, he could see those dark eyes in his mind. The perfectly slicked back hair and dark skin. Those long fingers working so expertly…

Not that it _really_ mattered. Nothing could ever come of it…Toby had to remind himself of this regularly. Even if it wasn’t illegal, Toby and Adil were from two different worlds. Something of an excuse, maybe, but for someone grasping at straws as it was…

The coffee incident threw Toby off. He certainly couldn’t deny that one. Because there was an unspoken message that came with it.  
He wanted to say: _Thank you, Adil. Next time, bring it up yourself and I’ll thank you with a kiss._  
Instead he said: _There’s a line…_

Before he had awkwardly turned, Toby had seen the look on Adil’s face. And in the moment, he had to pretend that it didn’t completely break his heart. Because with his words had come another unspoken message, one he had to send for both of their sanities. There was so much in that moment.

And Toby had to admit…yet another unspoken message. Maybe he wasn’t imagining things as much as he thought. Maybe Adil Joshi reciprocated every feeling. Could it even be possible that he wanted _something_ as much as Toby did?

Toby couldn’t even entertain the thought. This was how things had to be. Safety for everyone. But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t imagine Adil’s lips against his until the world ended.

***

Toby’s first kiss was with Elizabeth Unions in ninth standard. It was more of a dare than anything, as everyone knew Elizabeth was completely infatuated with Toby and his friends wanted to push the limits. He tried to enjoy it, he really did, but all he could think about was Anthony Whittaker sitting next to him. Elizabeth was soft and gentle…Anthony was a star rugby player…masculine and strong and in shape.

Kissing Elizabeth brought up nothing except fantasies of Anthony’s very male hands cupping Toby’s face and kissing him hard. It was too awkward to be kissing someone like this. It didn’t work for Toby, not the way it was _supposed_ to. Because Elizabeth was quite good looking, as far as the boy had come to understand. He didn’t see the draw, but he knew plenty of his classmates did. And Toby knew many of them would switch places with him in a heartbeat.

But Elizabeth wanted _him_ , which meant _he_ was the one kissing her. It was _boring_ and Toby felt absolutely nothing as he tried to return the kiss.

And when Elizabeth pulled away in a fit of giggles, Toby knew kissing a girl would never be right.

It scared him senseless.

That night, laying in bed, Toby cried quietly, as he realized just why it didn’t feel right. All those feelings he had been feeling came to the surface. Why he couldn’t talk to his friends about girls. Why kissing Elizabeth was _so_ wrong. Toby knew the word, but it scared him to even think it. He couldn’t be one of those men. It was wrong. It was criminal. It wasn’t right for Toby Hamilton. There would be too much on the line. He would never have a place. And as Toby cried, he knew he’d just have to pretend for the rest of his life.

So when he kissed Elizabeth again the next day, trying to dredge up some sort of feeling of liking it, of proving himself wrong, Toby really did try his hardest to like it. Elizabeth Unions…so feminine with her soft lips and soft skin and submission. Her pretty face and long blonde hair. A smile on her face because she was getting to kiss Toby Hamilton. Elizabeth was everything a guy should want in a woman. Toby tried, he really did. He figured if he was going to spend his life pretending, he might as well start now.

But then he thought of Anthony again, and it was all _ruined_.

That was when Toby started repressing his feelings. Repressing those _urges_. He waved off Elizabeth with some half-hearted excuses. Apparently he did okay, because no one questioned his actions…or _why_ he did what he did. Elizabeth had looked pretty heartbroken, but she didn’t push. Perhaps she felt that Toby just didn’t like her like he liked another girl.

How wrong she was. How wrong all of them were.

At first, it kept Toby up at night. Fears that he would be discovered…nightmares, even, that woke him up thrashing around in bed. But the deeper he fell into his own lies and denial, the easier it got to go about his life like normal. He mostly forgot about wanting to kiss Anthony Whittaker. Mostly. He mostly forgot about wanting to kiss _any_ boy. Mostly. And Toby mostly figured he could live that way forever. Mostly. He mostly believed it.

Mostly.

There were some times he entertained the notion, mainly because he just couldn’t _help_ it. And as much as he tried repressing it, the thoughts just…floated their way to the top of Toby’s head. There had to be another classmate like him. And there were always whispers about where homosexuals secretly hung around. But in the end, Toby knew he couldn’t. The consequences were too severe.

After all, he was Toby Hamilton. His father was _Lord_ Hamilton. There was too much at stake. For Toby. For his family. Not that he was especially close with any of them, except Freddie to a certain degree, but he couldn’t do that to them. The scandal, the issues, all of it…Toby had to do what he was expected to do. Find a nice, high society woman and marry her. Have kids. Not be _that_ kind of man.

Repression was the name of the game. And Toby would make it through. He knew he didn’t have a choice either way, really.

He had come to accept that. Live with it. Besides, how could anyone _ever_ be worth the risk?

***

What had never crossed Toby’s mind was that he would meet someone he would _want_ to kiss. Someone that would make his heart race and palms sweat. Someone who would make him think all his repression was a waste of time. It had been some time since the man had feelings like that. That were so strong that the repression just… _vanished_.

But the more he watched Adil Joshi at the bar, the more he craved him. Toby tried to push the feelings down, he really did. But they grew stronger and stronger every day.

Finding Adil in the wine cellar as he tried to escape from Theresa was bad luck…or so Toby tried to convince himself. Because being that close to the barman, his hand over his mouth…he was already on the edge of doing something incredibly _stupid_. He could feel the heat coming from Adil’s body. It made Toby’s head spin with sheer _want_.

And as he pulled away, Toby couldn’t help the look of triumph on his face. For one thing, he had completely escaped the irritating woman…for now, at least. And for another thing, he was able to resist all urges to replace his hand over Adil’s mouth with his lips.

But then Adil leaned up and kissed _him_ and everything went out the window.

Adil’s lips were warm and inviting. He tasted like exotic spices and salt, and was everything Toby had been trying to forget about for years. There was something strong and commandeering and completely _masculine_ about him, and Toby knew he would never be able to repress this kiss. Adil’s lips were everything he had ever wanted, and everything he had feared.

Toby wasn’t one of those men.

He pulled away, shellshocked and searching Adil’s face in panic for just a moment. It felt like all those years of hard work had just gone completely down the drain. So Toby did what he always did.

He ran.

Maybe there was a difference between metaphorical running and physical running, but Toby knew he had to get out of that cellar…away from Adil Joshi…before he did something even stupider. Like kissing Adil senseless, as every fiber in his being told him to do.

And later on, when Theresa asked for a dance and Toby waved her off, his eyes drifted to Adil. The barman was pouring champagne and caught Toby’s eyes nervously. It was just for a split second, but Toby just wanted to run over…leap the bar and kiss Adil again. The kiss he had run from was still ghosting against his lips, and he knew that nothing would ever feel right again.

What Adil must be thinking!

It pained Toby that the barman was probably just as scared as he was. For different reasons, of course, but there was no more denying there was something there. Toby thought of all their times their fingers had brushed. The shy, secret glances.

Toby’s awakening was coming on quite late, he supposed. After everything with Elizabeth in school, repressing every bit of it. But now he knew. There were a million reasons why it was _wrong_ to kiss Adil Joshi, but the kiss in the wine cellar wasn’t going to go away. It had taken up residence in Toby’s heart, in his whole being.

Toby needed another kiss from Adil like he needed air. He was beyond caring that Adil was a “lowly” cocktail waiter with dark skin. That he was a man. There was so much to lose…but, as Toby really started thinking about it, so much more to gain.

***

What Toby hadn’t anticipated, though perhaps he should have, was a sleepless night. All he could think of was Adil Joshi’s lips against his own. How he should have kissed him right back. How to get Adil back to him. To kiss him, make up for running away. But Toby couldn’t figure out how to do so without making Adil worry about what was waiting for him in Toby’s room.

But Adil made the brave first move, and Toby suddenly realized he had no idea what to do. It was one thing in theory…quite another in practice. He looked at Adil impassively in the mirror as the barman offered to resign. His heart was pounding, though, and he couldn’t make his fingers move correctly as he tried to do up his tie.

Even looking at Adil in the mirror, Toby kept glancing at his lips.

Toby said his piece, praying it kept Adil there with him. Made him understand.

“But I’ve never made sense,” he finally said with an air of being finished. “Until Yesterday.”

The look of hope on Adil’s face made Toby’s heart pound harder and butterflies fill his stomach. It was right…he had gotten this _right_. Everything he had been terrified of, the millions of ways any of this could have gone. A part of Toby knew he had to recognize that Adil’s conflict was much worse, the risk he took in kissing Toby…but apparently it was just what both of them needed.

Toby shrugged helplessly. _This is me, Adil,_ it said. _Take me as I am._

Adil moved in close with a slight smile full of wonder. Toby made sure to take deep breaths, keeping himself steady. And as the other man fixed his tie, Toby watched him with his own look of wonder.

“Hello…Toby.”

The kiss was hesitant and thoughtful and messy and gentle. Toby had spent too long repressing his feelings to know how to kiss someone properly…but he poured everything he had into that kiss. Adil tasted just as he had the day before…exotic spices and salt…but this time, Toby got to properly appreciate the barman’s taste. The feel of his warm lips against Toby’s.

He didn’t want to stop.

But Toby pulled back, a wide smile on his face. He cupped Adil’s face in his hands, feeling the man’s skin under his fingers. The sensations were like a fire coursing through his whole body. Completely unable to help himself, he kissed Adil again, deeper this time. Even more passionate.

If only he could breathe kisses with Adil rather than air.

Toby experimentally ran his tongue along Adil’s bottom lip, wanting to taste _more_. Adil’s lips parted and their tongues met.

Toby was sure he was about to melt.

A tiny part of Toby’s brain…a _very_ tiny part of Toby’s brain was slightly concerned about his lack of experience. It was clear that Adil had a lot more of an idea of what he was doing. But kissing Adil Joshi was all Toby wanted in the world. All those feelings, those urges, that he had fought so hard to repress meant nothing anymore. Because kissing Adil Joshi was _right_. It was _the_ most _right_ thing in the world. Their lips fit together like Toby always dreamed and dreaded lips were supposed to.

There he was, kissing a man. And he didn’t give a damn anymore, because Adil was all Toby wanted in the world.

Toby logically knew they couldn’t continue this now. He had to get to work. It was with great pain that he pulled away, his gaze still trained on Adil’s face.

“I have to…” he looked into Adil’s dark eyes, almost coming undone. “Er…work. But…”

“May I come back after my shift?”

Toby’s breath hitched in his throat. He gave Adil an eager smile. “Yes…please.”

There were a million ways this could go wrong…there were a million dangers out in the world…but Toby didn’t care anymore. All he knew was that he had to get every single kiss out of Adil that he could. They’d be discreet. It would be their secret. All of it.

Because it had already been sealed with a kiss.

***

Toby and Adil’s relationship progressed the way it could. Stolen kisses on stolen time. Toby lived for the moments when he would hear Adil’s light knock on the door of his room. He hungered for the barman’s lips, he craved them. When his thoughts drifted, at work, eating meals with his mother, it was Adil’s lips he was dreaming of.

The two found ways to make it work. Safe ways…or so they figured. Toby and Adil were very careful. Adil made up excuses to get up to Toby’s room. Toby lies to his mother about meeting a friend so he can visit Adil’s flat. Sometimes they even take chances in the wine cellar. But they’re _so_ careful about it. There were too many consequences of what they were doing, what they had. And both men knew losing that would destroy them both.

Opening himself to Adil, giving himself over to him was the best decision Toby had ever made. And on nights where he sat at the bar, giving the other man discreet looks and sly half-smiles, Toby knows he’s completely gone. He wants to lean across that damn bar, that damn barrier between his and Adil’s social standings, the fact that they’re both men…and he just wants to kiss him senseless.

_This foolish man wants_ me, he thinks to himself. _This gorgeous, competent man wants me._

Because Toby just wants to kiss Adil Joshi until the end of time.

And Toby lives for the nights where Adil sneaks up to his room after his shift is over and makes it quite clear he’s noticed the looks and sly half-smiles by kissing Toby silly. Completely taking his breath away.

Toby learns what it’s like to kiss someone he actually _wants_ to be kissing. Adil is patient with him, obviously able to tell his inexperience. But as the two kiss more, Toby gets more confident with what he can do. The way Adil holds on to him, or runs his fingers through Toby’s hair. He shows Toby things beyond kisses, things that the aristocrat had only imagined in his wildest dreams. But Adil’s kisses are what he craves the most. Even as their relationship gets more and more physical, there’s nothing like getting to taste Adil’s lips. His tongue. His mouth. There are countless ways to kiss someone, and Adil teaches Toby all of them.

Adil Joshi made his way into Toby’s life, breaking down all the barriers that Toby had spent so long building and stubbornly holding on to. And he thanked God for that. But there was such a strong feeling there…if Toby couldn’t kiss Adil, he wasn’t going to kiss anyone ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your wonderful comments and such. They make me smile. :)

**Author's Note:**

> As per usual, thank you all for the comments and kudos you've been leaving on my works! It makes a person very happy. :)


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